June 18, 2016

Quest

I've searched the city for you
I listen to each minute's echo
Between the winding familiar streets

I've searched the horizon for you
The waves speak to me in whispers
But your voice escapes

I've searched my heart for you
For a memory, a phrase, a song
Surely the heart remembers best


January 26, 2016

The Hourglass

time is too slow when letting go, starting over, testing waters
turning a new leaf, replacing old labels with hope
a blind and uncertain journey, tiptoeing on what might be true

time is too fast for memories made, treasured, sealed
it chooses to end seasons without permission
sudden and cold it stops

outside of time a circumstance runs to the goal of potential
so important now, holding a breath a moment longer
soon so small and forgotten as it floats and disappears

inside of time a thousand years are a day
the clean inside edge of expectation
not noticed or named, blurred together and designed to forget

without time perspective sharpens
a blink of an eye responds to the momentary smile
filling the heart with the courage to risk

January 13, 2016

Fear vs Confidence

Not sure how to begin writing again, especially since I am used to writing in poetry form. But here we go.
I have walked through a lot of fears in the last year or so.
Fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar, loss of control, is risk worth it, maintaining hope.

It is all practical, and nothing I knew before prepared me, only in the smallest sense. Much of it was about surrender. Letting go of what I thought I knew, wishing I had more choice, hoping my investments are not burned up. Going through loss a few times, major surgery, medical tests, leaving my work and having nothing mapped for the future really puts fear and how to cope in front of me. Much of it was sudden, and I had to learn slowly what I needed. The things I had no choice about, for example, what doctors told me (many times these were formalities) were practice for being peaceful, and I often lost it. 

Things that helped me be fearless:
Thinking of what I needed help with and asking for it made me feel stronger when I was very helpless physically or emotionally.
I very much wanted to do each 'stage' WELL, and not just endure it.
Gathering research and remedies.
Realizing that peace is hard to hold onto in these times but critical to seek out.
Watching and realizing that the emotions and recovery stages pass when they seem like they can't be passed through. 
I am only responsible for my reaction, but I can learn a lot from people who have been through the same thing. Sadly, people who don't come alongside to help don't truly understand, and that includes myself when I don't make the effort for others.
Knowing others' opinions are irrelevant unless they understand context.  Very true after what I went through. Much of it only God understands, as He knows my needs and body more than I do.
Choosing to declare things over myself and worship was a form of progress I could always build on.

Yet I have ended up in a place where I have to keep surrendering my time... because I have less and less knowledge about what tomorrow looks like or what I should do, and yet I guess that is a good place to hear God's direction. It feels like a daily risk in some ways!

January 03, 2016

writing again

Hello! I need some new topics to write on, if anyone desires to give me inspiration! Planning to write more soon after a long hiatus.
A

July 13, 2014

Potential

I was glass and I shattered
I was wood and I splintered
I relearned to walk, to speak, to love
Once blind to how great an influence today holds
Is it safe to dream again?
I can feel my heart caving in
Giving in
Running across shadows
Finding richness in the process
Today is the catalyst of life's risk
Because my heart is someone's reward

May 21, 2014

spring pictures

Did I imagine you
clear and authentic
or were you a dream, a moment, a thought
pressed to reinforce a memory
of God's faithfulness?
was it potential being seen and known
or a whisper with no address
was it life, breath, healing you brought
or an illusion of promises kept

The memory sits preserved
simply left in the
space between the heart and the mind
which is the space between heaven and earth.


I was writing and thinking about the reality of Jesus' impact on earth, and new friends.

April 18, 2014

remembering Jesus' death

what does the cross mean to me?

it shows me the great desire to restore relationship.
it gave me freedom from shame, my mistakes, others' standards for me; it gave me access to a love no person can give, a perfect love.
It gave hope to me, and gives hope to anyone no matter the state of their life. It also gives hope to them to be free and healed of the things I was healed of and more.
It means rest, no striving or fighting to earn or gain anything. It allows me to received healing, abundance, provision, and know there is always another level, more to be acquired, but always to be shared.
It allows me to have a perspective that can greatly impact people around me, and change my own thinking and perspective first- so important.
It inspires me to sacrifice more every day in my life, be it time, money or love, to make the love of God known that I have experienced.
it reminds me there is always redemption when something has died, there will always be good coming from it in ways I don't know at the time.

February 27, 2014

Time

Don't be satisfied.

How can we be satisfied with so little,
Such a meagre taste of the only love that fills emptiness and heals anger
Grace is poured into faith embers
In the midst of frenzy and activity
No cost except thirst, a thirst that can't be satisfied elsewhere
Yet the plans we make blind us to the urgent hour
Lack of respect asks do we even know the price of what we take for granted
It is grace I can't forgive without
Grace I can't breathe without
Now we make up for lost time
Listening to the words I've longed to hear,
Words that were lost in the time that presses on my soul
Time measured carefully yet carrying standards of never enough










December 17, 2013

Islands

Hidden in deep waters
Bob the jellyfish offshore
Under layers of ocean
Like anger deep under the skin
At the shore the refreshing air flows in
The outline of a lighthouse, dark across the sky
Is a faithful anchor into a lonely day

Redemption is...

redemption is...
Learning how to dream again
And to read between the lines
Where love is concealed so carefully

Redemption is...
The unexpected words in my hand
A hope left hidden under life
The birds singing at the end of autumn

Maybe the next idea is closer than I imagined
Remade as though never touched, innocent
Restored and repurchased
Far more than imagination can contain

10/11/13



September 02, 2013

see, hear remember

Do you remember
The fountain in the garden
Trickling with encouraging words

Do you remember
The first summer rain
Thankful thirsty soil

Do you remember
The sun rising again
With healing in its wings

Do you know
The value of a hearing heart
In the routine of wake and sleep

Do you know
The significance of yes
Without all the pieces


Do you know
Today is the gift, today is the answer
Right inside the question

June 27, 2013

circumstances

are surrounded by the splendor of perspective
then they catch me off guard like a storm in the night
while they mercilessly take casualties in their wake

they neatly fold up memories in a pile
with a thin residue of feelings
they weigh on the heart unknowingly
testing the depth of trust
and the width of love
moving to wrap around reality and
break the grip of sadness

May 23, 2013

Paradox

I tried to edit this one but it stayed in some pieces...


Like lonely driftwood, today moves slowly along with the tide of reality


The things I wish I could do
and the things I take for granted
Sit side by side like pawns on a chess board.

It is a lost opportunity, my name erased from it,
When I am the puzzle piece that doesn't fit
When a fog of confusion brings the analysis of all that is irrelevant
Or when the reality of a lost dream collides with my heart.

I need love without borders, without reasoning, to invade this inertia
To hold my heart together so it can let go
To untangle the insecurity and
Break haunting comparisons
And separate the real from the imagined






April 30, 2013

Fear part 1.

I live, sleep, breathe
With fear walking beside me
Or in the palm of my hand.
I turn around to see if it must come with me.

Tell me how to clean off its residue
From my memories and dreams,
How to shut down the trepidation
That tiptoes into friendships

Silencing my words.
Is it time to wait on honor and adoration
Or to risk what's most precious

Drawing the heart into the center
Where a new rhythm waits
not fear itself, fear itself

April 04, 2013

Love, part 3

Love is the distraction.

At life's dead ends, You are the solution to confusion,
The cause of hunger for truth purified.
You are the road to the secret place and
The ultimate answer in the midst of mystery. 

The garden of the soul
Has pieces of time hidden in random spots:
Apples and nails, olives and healing leaves.
Like a cryptic scavenger hunt 
They lie waiting for discovery,
To be matched together into a picture of redemption
Like love falling on bittersweet ground.

2*4*13

March 30, 2013

he is risen.

"In the Cross of Christ, there’s a disorder that’s rectified, a stain that’s removed, a weight that’s lifted, a disease that’s cured, a debt that’s paid, a something wrong that’s made right by Jesus’s sacrifice of himself. Jesus anticipates that horrible reality in the Garden of Gethsemane and recognizes that the “cup” of suffering must be drained by someone – either us or him. However we feel about him and however he feels about us, the cup is still there. And he chooses to drink it on our behalf." -John Stackhouse

March 23, 2013

Patterns within the Hurricane

While the storm rages on the inside
Crossing the battle line of self, of failure, of fear
Peace floats with the current
In the eye of the storm:
It is a basketful of questions carrying a flurry of striving downstream
After understanding surrenders,
A reluctant giving up

Peace speaks be still inside the circumstance
And it echoes like a heartbeat
When the wind stops its tantrum
When fear lets go of patching the mistakes

A presence of peace
Contagious with rest, sweet rest,
Erasing the lost time, the words left unsaid.
Peace desires to come into each day:
So evasive, yet ever present,
So rare, yet circumstance often overwhelms it.
Slow to speak, slow to leave the stillness,
Where love fills up the thirsty places anew.






Mark 4:39

March 08, 2013

Virtue part 4

Truth looks like
Black and white piano keys
Black and red letters on the page
Day and night far away from dawn
And the love in a friend's eyes

Truth has stumbled in the streets
Shoved aside by reinvented life
And crossed out of our TV shows and movies.
It was kicked out of the house down the street
Exchanged for a lie on sale when they went to the store

Truth is the illusion of society
Yet holds hands with trust
The hungry seek it out
Searching for refreshment for the soul to drink of

Truth looks for a new home
Without mixture, without compromise
Not caught in a waiting game
Or left floating out to sea alone

Tell me the truth even if it hurts:
When the counterfeit makes me sick,
Bring me what's real
Because love was never meant
To be friends with disappointment
And truth hides behind today
Waiting to be sought out anew.

- Isaiah 59:14
-written March 6 2013







February 10, 2013

Romans 12:10

Honor one another in action, and even deeper in attitude.
Above myself,
above my needs or cares,
above my little thoughts which should obey and be silent.

Where is honor today?
Thrown behind some curtain as if to be tidied later
or collecting dust in a corner
Someday soon no one will know how to use it anymore

Who is honor following?
Maybe it is a contagious affirmation
given freely as I enter the room.
Has honor faded from families and marriages in exchange for bitterness and disrespect?

Be devoted to one another:
Remove the space between your hearts to know their needs.
Let the color be transparent and honest
In the midst of what I don't understand.

How to find a home for these virtues?
This day let honor and devotion grow together in good soil.
A tree above myself
reaching for selfless perspective.

What needs focus, needs release into the atmosphere, are these choices.
They are choices today of life or death, of sun or darkness
coming from the heart alone.

6*2*2013








January 31, 2013

Psalm 45:11

He is captivated, taken hold at all points, as if forming a new constellation. Clinging to the memory of beauty in weakness, daily watching a hungry heart giving all in the quest to end unbelief.
Endless silence filled with coded conversation grows a root of honor, where each dim corner of the heart is seen by the King. He holds your fearful heart and fills it with wisdom and power in the waiting hours of night.
You try to let go,  but you rebuild the sandcastle of last summer, to contrive a counterfeit beauty  in black and white, yet tainted with cynicism and specks of envy.
You try to form the bond that is already stronger than love, fiercer than fire;
Know this: to honor is to trust; to trust the fraction of unseen reality is not a glimpse but a promise of the kingdom you are already in, where I see you now, drawn out of deep waters, fully satisfying the hunger clouding over today and tomorrow.

January 21, 2013

Garden

I found fruit taped onto my tree today,
No leaves remain, just an artificial reward
Sour fruit that no one will buy,
Yellowed and round
Alone in the winter wind

Time fell upon itself in the corner
And my garden was neglected.
Yet in between life and conversations
In a space where memories collect
I listen for the birds chirping who daily anticipate spring.

The tree is disappointed
Where water and sun are not enough
Where moist soil is taken for granted
Thirsting for contentment
Clinging to the right to understand

I plant new seedlings
In a spot prepared with love
The soil of victory is sweet
Especially in small pieces
Called today.




December 16, 2012

Knowing truth

What is the cause of surrender? or of true desperation?

I think surrender has to be preceded by revelation. We can't just say we feel like surrendering now, that is is a good idea or I really can't be in control of my own life. There has to be a heart impact of truth that makes a complete shift, for a removal of all mindsets and ideas that we construct to move forward with life. Only then can we truly surrender, to the God who creates, and we would have a lot of freedom and feel lighter in the process.

Is desperation caused by just being frustrated with circumstances? A hunger for more? Knowing our identity in Christ? Maybe even unanswered questions. maybe desperation is just wanting to find out how desired I am by the One who desires me above all other people.

"we will never be satisfied until we satisfy Him, and we will never find what we are looking for until we find what He is looking for. Our purpose is completely defined in His."- Misty Edwards

December 02, 2012

Process part 1.

Do you know what the best thing in life is?
Experiencing truth.

I heard it said that some things are true, in fact many things are true, including a lot of theology and life, but until we experience it then it becomes truth. This is so very real. Each of these truths must lead to an experience or it's just knowledge.

I have been in a difficult season, and aspects of it were described in previous posts. I became incapable of listening to any teaching or discussion, and just craved experiencing it all because I knew there was so much more. Recently I happily realized that I understand more if I give up my right to understand. But what if I lose by letting go of friendships and desires? I thought. Little did I know that was just the beginning. It was the start of obeying, and letting go, which released freedom, which led to more of God's presence, which led to obedience, in a nice circle. I realized more and more things that I thought God gave me the right to pursue were to be given up. Jesus may want to be our friend, but not in the sense we think of friends as. Jesus desires to be Lord, to live through us with nothing else in us; for all our rights to be given over to Him that He could make what he wants of us, just like the potter does in the book of Jeremiah.
I need to give my desires back to God, even if they are for good things I've wanted for a long time.  And at the same time lay down my rights-- they seem so good but are weights  that hinder us more than they help. This helps me be free of any lies I believe that are producing dead fruit in my heart. Who wants to tape fruit on their tree? It must be real fruit, produced by abiding in truth, chewing on truth to have the experience, the REAL taste. All these things reset the value of my life; changed how I see things, and people and God. I'd rather have nothing happen at all if I can't have this. There is always change, so I may as well be useful with it and pray "God change me and make me the way you want me to be." Becoming like others or some ideal or having no real truth in life is so second best.
This was a chorus I listened to endlessly in November that Misty was singing in the IHOP prayer room:
Come and open up the doors
Come and set my mind at ease
come and help my unbelief
Spirit of God awaken me
Set my spirit free 

And a quote:
You're not responsible for the outcome of your obedience. Only your obedience.


November 14, 2012

Freedom times

Letting go feels like a shadow, cast by a high tower, to which a map shows no path. From there these cravings wander after a meandering heart that's been blinded--

Hunger looks like a wind, stirs up the doubts and swirls them in the streets, unresolved yet purposeful in buying tokens of freedom. Thirst draws my heart in to yours, a tide pulled by the unseen, by the memories of heroes long gone and dreams recorded as fulfilled. Letting go feels like being shaken, yet being held  still, a force of calm while a mean winter wind blows, in which the life is stripped away.

Filled looks like a thinking heart, planted in a place called closer.
With an ear against the door, even pressed against your wings, it learns a new language to guide and illuminate clues to the future and security for the coming evening.

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