January 13, 2016

Fear vs Confidence

Not sure how to begin writing again, especially since I am used to writing in poetry form. But here we go.
I have walked through a lot of fears in the last year or so.
Fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar, loss of control, is risk worth it, maintaining hope.

It is all practical, and nothing I knew before prepared me, only in the smallest sense. Much of it was about surrender. Letting go of what I thought I knew, wishing I had more choice, hoping my investments are not burned up. Going through loss a few times, major surgery, medical tests, leaving my work and having nothing mapped for the future really puts fear and how to cope in front of me. Much of it was sudden, and I had to learn slowly what I needed. The things I had no choice about, for example, what doctors told me (many times these were formalities) were practice for being peaceful, and I often lost it. 

Things that helped me be fearless:
Thinking of what I needed help with and asking for it made me feel stronger when I was very helpless physically or emotionally.
I very much wanted to do each 'stage' WELL, and not just endure it.
Gathering research and remedies.
Realizing that peace is hard to hold onto in these times but critical to seek out.
Watching and realizing that the emotions and recovery stages pass when they seem like they can't be passed through. 
I am only responsible for my reaction, but I can learn a lot from people who have been through the same thing. Sadly, people who don't come alongside to help don't truly understand, and that includes myself when I don't make the effort for others.
Knowing others' opinions are irrelevant unless they understand context.  Very true after what I went through. Much of it only God understands, as He knows my needs and body more than I do.
Choosing to declare things over myself and worship was a form of progress I could always build on.

Yet I have ended up in a place where I have to keep surrendering my time... because I have less and less knowledge about what tomorrow looks like or what I should do, and yet I guess that is a good place to hear God's direction. It feels like a daily risk in some ways!

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