Fear vs Confidence

Not sure how to begin writing again, especially since I am used to writing in poetry form. But here we go.

I have walked through a lot of fears in the last year or so.

Fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar, loss of control, is risk worth it, maintaining hope.

It is all practical, and nothing I knew before prepared me, only in the smallest sense. Much of it was about surrender. Letting go of what I thought I knew, wishing I had more choice, hoping my investments are not burned up. Going through loss a few times, major surgery, medical tests, leaving my work and having nothing mapped for the future really puts fear and how to cope in front of me. Much of it was sudden, and I had to learn slowly what I needed. The things I had no choice about, for example, what doctors told me (many times these were formalities) were practice for being peaceful, and I often lost it. 

Things that helped me be fearless:

Thinking of what I needed help with and asking for it made me feel stronger when I was very helpless physically or emotionally.

I very much wanted to do each 'stage' WELL, and not just endure it.

Gathering research and remedies.

Realizing that peace is hard to hold onto in these times but critical to seek out.

Watching and realizing that the emotions and recovery stages pass when they seem like they can't be passed through. 

I am only responsible for my reaction, but I can learn a lot from people who have been through the same thing. Sadly, people who don't come alongside to help don't truly understand, and that includes myself when I don't make the effort for others.

Knowing others' opinions are irrelevant unless they understand context.  Very true after what I went through. Much of it only God understands, as He knows my needs and body more than I do.

Choosing to declare things over myself and worship was a form of progress I could always build on.

Yet I have ended up in a place where I have to keep surrendering my time... because I have less and less knowledge about what tomorrow looks like or what I should do, and yet I guess that is a good place to hear God's direction. It feels like a daily risk in some ways!

Virtue part 4

Truth looks like
Black and white piano keys
Black and red letters on the page
Day and night far away from dawn
And the love in a friend's eyes

Truth has stumbled in the streets
Shoved aside by reinvented life
And crossed out of our TV shows and movies.
It was kicked out of the house down the street
Exchanged for a lie on sale when they went to the store

Truth is the illusion of society
Yet holds hands with trust
The hungry seek it out
Searching for refreshment for the soul to drink of

Truth looks for a new home
Without mixture, without compromise
Not caught in a waiting game
Or left floating out to sea alone

Tell me the truth even if it hurts:
When the counterfeit makes me sick,
Bring me what's real
Because love was never meant
To be friends with disappointment
And truth hides behind today
Waiting to be sought out anew.

- Isaiah 59:14
-written March 6 2013

Knowing truth

What is the cause of surrender? or of true desperation?

I think surrender has to be preceded by revelation. We can't just say we feel like surrendering now, that is is a good idea or I really can't be in control of my own life. There has to be a heart impact of truth that makes a complete shift, for a removal of all mindsets and ideas that we construct to move forward with life. Only then can we truly surrender, to the God who creates, and we would have a lot of freedom and feel lighter in the process.

Is desperation caused by just being frustrated with circumstances? A hunger for more? Knowing our identity in Christ? Maybe even unanswered questions. maybe desperation is just wanting to find out how desired I am by the One who desires me above all other people.

"we will never be satisfied until we satisfy Him, and we will never find what we are looking for until we find what He is looking for. Our purpose is completely defined in His."- Misty Edwards

journal bits

from one week ago...

This season presses on me like thin air, difficult to breathe and even more difficult to feel what is in the depth of my heart. It aches for what is real, abundant and full of new, green leaves made for healing and a taste of the goodness that I know I should be able to see. Each hour brings me closer to backing into a corner, to realizing the people I trust most are not there for me now. The tools I had are gone, and the wants and needs are being burned up in the time of pruning. 

shock.

"I will open my heart when I fall in love, and I will open my heart when I hurt..."

Much of the last few weeks has been a test to see where I am focused... at least that is my best guess. What am I living in response to... or reacting to.
But then, many testing times are asking exactly that, it is just a matter of how quickly I can get to that realization and choose my focus, moving away from the chaos.

Last week was a whirlwind that I survived without anyone to talk to about it, and it continued to accumulate things that made no sense. From death to friends moving away to my parents being away for my birthday (and Christmas), and sound problems for our visitors etc... they were all sort of trivial to be deeply affected by but I was. I can't live in regret of some choices I made to be alone; I don't think I was questioning the goodness of God, and that I was not running off my own strength as I could have been. When I am stressed and  am on my own strength, I usually lose my appetite, feel lazy and crabby and it is all overwhelming. I  guess there was a strength in my spirit, even though I felt physically drained from the impact of my friend's death from cancer.

It's easy to just say these are the times of life and they are what they are. But then if we are convinced of healing and we focus on it and we don't see it, how do we resolve it? Or death in general? It seems like there is no resolution sometimes and I have to just forget about it.

Ironically all except her who died are fathers, and the fathers are who we or I need most right now. Healing & the Father's heart are so central right now, but to watch them "die" out is so painful.

With clouded resolution I have little vision for the future... knowing what to plan and work towards this summer has been distorted. 

Closure

Four men I know (or related to friends) have died recently, all fathers.

Why? Why before their time? Maybe it is their time, and I just don't see God's timing. Or, if it is only the enemy who steals, kills and destroys then this wasn't God's will for them to die.  I don't want to see it, I don't want to feel the pain of death with the depth of love; people who weren't close to me for the most part, whose death I feel the weight of upon me, and I can't get it off.
What is it about Fathers right now? Don't we need them more than ever in this broken generation, in all generations... now that the fathers are turning their hearts back to the children and vice versa... I need fathers in my life, and that strength they bring. These ones are gone, I can't ask questions of one of them, or see him again. I would love some insight on this, to understand why. The death that occurred on Monday was the person closest to me, and the day after we had a party honoring another man, Bruce, on his birthday. Something taken out of turn, too soon. I hate the feeling of not knowing when what's most precious will be taken away. Am I allowed to love those who are left? I hope my heart doesn't become hard to those relationships I want more of, and I feel they are elusive now because of this.