Fear vs Confidence

Not sure how to begin writing again, especially since I am used to writing in poetry form. But here we go.

I have walked through a lot of fears in the last year or so.

Fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar, loss of control, is risk worth it, maintaining hope.

It is all practical, and nothing I knew before prepared me, only in the smallest sense. Much of it was about surrender. Letting go of what I thought I knew, wishing I had more choice, hoping my investments are not burned up. Going through loss a few times, major surgery, medical tests, leaving my work and having nothing mapped for the future really puts fear and how to cope in front of me. Much of it was sudden, and I had to learn slowly what I needed. The things I had no choice about, for example, what doctors told me (many times these were formalities) were practice for being peaceful, and I often lost it. 

Things that helped me be fearless:

Thinking of what I needed help with and asking for it made me feel stronger when I was very helpless physically or emotionally.

I very much wanted to do each 'stage' WELL, and not just endure it.

Gathering research and remedies.

Realizing that peace is hard to hold onto in these times but critical to seek out.

Watching and realizing that the emotions and recovery stages pass when they seem like they can't be passed through. 

I am only responsible for my reaction, but I can learn a lot from people who have been through the same thing. Sadly, people who don't come alongside to help don't truly understand, and that includes myself when I don't make the effort for others.

Knowing others' opinions are irrelevant unless they understand context.  Very true after what I went through. Much of it only God understands, as He knows my needs and body more than I do.

Choosing to declare things over myself and worship was a form of progress I could always build on.

Yet I have ended up in a place where I have to keep surrendering my time... because I have less and less knowledge about what tomorrow looks like or what I should do, and yet I guess that is a good place to hear God's direction. It feels like a daily risk in some ways!

A dream for my map

‎"Some conversations wake you up, others make you dream."

As I said, I've been thinking about all that is stirring in my heart and the good books I've read. I rephrase some of my goals as they change over time, and I came up with a new one today. For a while I've been craving learning to dream again, for my life, my future, my spirit, my place of influence. If I have one goal right now it is to learn to write so that others are inspired to dream. I don't want to dream unless it goes deep. (thinking dreams, not sleep dreams although understanding those is fine too!) The people who make me dream, even of things I think only they are special enough to accomplish, are people I crave. I don't even have a list of questions or problems or discussions to solve. I just want to be around them, to draw from their favor or anointing, doesn't matter what you call it. I could write with someone or ... I don't know. I have no idea how it will start but I don't want to let it slide away. Being a Vision broker, like Bruce talked about last year. 

steps forward

"Noise and activity are the refuges of the bereaved and the guilty."

I have a lot stirring in my heart lately, from failures, dreams, and places I've gone to in books or in planes.  Not sure how to comment on all of it. There is certainly an emptiness when I come home, wondering how to apply things to my life going forward, feeling like I am in some altered reality. Part of that is from reading dystopian fiction, what a fascinating world, or worlds, they hold. I read these and think, I wish I could write like that, create such a world that fascinates and holds so much potential and strategy. No idea where to begin. I want to write again. I want to walk out all the prophetic words I was given before my trip, to internalize them. I want to be understood more, but maybe with some of what I am pursuing the value of  I will be understood less. 

"This peace between us comes from not talking about things.. but I do not date to disturb it with the truth, because I'm too busy clinging to it for support."

Seeing the voice

"I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands..."

Dreams seem to come to fruition so slowly, while time goes by so fast, too fast.
I keep saying what I think I need to for my heart to be in the right place. And yet it is not. I think I'm saying yes and trusting but I still am discouraged more than I talk about, because I don't want to be judged. Nothing is refreshing me and snapping my mind back to reality. Hoping to keep reminding myself of good things and of how God sees me. I long for that voice, for that sensation of what is going on in the spirit realm again. I long for faith to feel real again even if there is spiritual warfare.

Isaiah 48:17

I realized today how much fun it is to be entrusted with more.
Never determined by me when, but I always have to step into it not knowing.
I crave it, because I don't know what I want, and don't know whats best for me anyways.

Yakar.

Bittersweet is the day without you.

Weeks and months go by with just a memory of your face. Just a little while longer they say. I breathe in to remember your faithfulness. The days blur together and your heart is a craving mixed into the remainder that never satisfies.

I'm tired of the lists, the agendas, the demands.  I remember when there were no words, when wonder was real and precious. Carrying the burden, sowing with tears and blood... digging wells that never run dry. What happened to the stitches sewn in the darkness of blank canvas? Where did the seasons come from that were never ordained? Where is the fearless of the house of God who would build a house for you before our own? We know not where we tread or what we long for and have forgotten. Once I have tasted love fiercer than fire, stronger than flood- there is no recourse or cure. There is no wound deeper than eyes being opened and humbled. There is nothing else I can do with what I have seen.

I want it and I have to have it.

I decided yesterday I wish I could buy dreams.

I bought a leather-ish jacket yesterday that I love. I'd wanted one for years but thought I wouldn't find one that looked good unless I was shopping in the States. It is just right for me. If I could buy a dream, it wouldn't be like buying a car, or house, or landing the perfect job. I don't know what store or person would sell them, or what shape it would be, or what price they would go for. It's so easy to buy things we decide we want, whether we need them or not, with or without the money. I've found like-new and great stuff in my family's giveaways. But what the heart really craves is a dream. Not the ring that is the yes to a lifetime, but the dream of a journey together- maybe one better or harder than imagined. Not just a vacation complete with warm sunsets and no agenda.

But dreams are not sold, maybe just restored, inherited or planted. Without a script, price tag or warranty. Sometimes not even by choice, but by being called to what doesn't make sense. Other times dreams take too long to arrive, on the train of time, where love is a window.