December 18, 2007

was it really meant for good?

I learned that I had some expectations that needed to die. That was hard. I learned that I can take a lot when it comes to God giving me more than I think I can handle – but over time that didn’t make me tougher, it just made me see how loved I was that God sustained me through it.
It takes no effort after this for me to rely on God’s presence fully, and to have His strength to get through the day. Maybe this is the ultimate balance of being presence led. I can take God’s presence home with me and it can stay around me all day. I'm learning more how to overthrow the enemy with my actions to bring the kingdom to each of these situations and to increase it.
I learned about what true sacrifice of worship is, from this time of not feeling like worshiping and breaking through that, knowing that significant things happen when I do. God can reorder our priorities and have us where he wants us, and where we want to be is secondary.
I definitely haven’t become tougher for all this. I think I just feel weaker and weaker and know that I can’t do it all myself, and all I see is how loved I am. I can’t do any of it without God’s strength overflowing in me each day.
Two weeks after my accident, I totally had no faith for my own healing but prayed for Tracey and she was healed. I had nothing left in myself to have faith. Sometimes God uses us when we have nothing left in us to give, where he can then work now that I'm out of the way. But God reminded me there was something for me to let go of, and after that my healing would be released, and that was really hard too.
This season has been full of discouraging things and criticism that I want to justify myself in. A real lesson of stepping aside when all i want to do is defend me. but if it is God who justifies us and vindicates us, then we can’t do it ourselves - if we do we will fall backward.

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