shock.

"I will open my heart when I fall in love, and I will open my heart when I hurt..."

Much of the last few weeks has been a test to see where I am focused... at least that is my best guess. What am I living in response to... or reacting to.
But then, many testing times are asking exactly that, it is just a matter of how quickly I can get to that realization and choose my focus, moving away from the chaos.

Last week was a whirlwind that I survived without anyone to talk to about it, and it continued to accumulate things that made no sense. From death to friends moving away to my parents being away for my birthday (and Christmas), and sound problems for our visitors etc... they were all sort of trivial to be deeply affected by but I was. I can't live in regret of some choices I made to be alone; I don't think I was questioning the goodness of God, and that I was not running off my own strength as I could have been. When I am stressed and  am on my own strength, I usually lose my appetite, feel lazy and crabby and it is all overwhelming. I  guess there was a strength in my spirit, even though I felt physically drained from the impact of my friend's death from cancer.

It's easy to just say these are the times of life and they are what they are. But then if we are convinced of healing and we focus on it and we don't see it, how do we resolve it? Or death in general? It seems like there is no resolution sometimes and I have to just forget about it.

Ironically all except her who died are fathers, and the fathers are who we or I need most right now. Healing & the Father's heart are so central right now, but to watch them "die" out is so painful.

With clouded resolution I have little vision for the future... knowing what to plan and work towards this summer has been distorted. 

Yakar.

Bittersweet is the day without you.

Weeks and months go by with just a memory of your face. Just a little while longer they say. I breathe in to remember your faithfulness. The days blur together and your heart is a craving mixed into the remainder that never satisfies.

I'm tired of the lists, the agendas, the demands.  I remember when there were no words, when wonder was real and precious. Carrying the burden, sowing with tears and blood... digging wells that never run dry. What happened to the stitches sewn in the darkness of blank canvas? Where did the seasons come from that were never ordained? Where is the fearless of the house of God who would build a house for you before our own? We know not where we tread or what we long for and have forgotten. Once I have tasted love fiercer than fire, stronger than flood- there is no recourse or cure. There is no wound deeper than eyes being opened and humbled. There is nothing else I can do with what I have seen.