January 30, 2009


lately I've had a lot of thoughts to write....
I find that the truths in the bible throw me into a reality that is far too large to be accounted for by my explanations and expectations. sometimes reading a lot can make for too much clutter and not enough of experiencing truth, in reality. It's frustrating when there is a lot of theory, which I think belongs in music class, with adagio and andantino. Last summer I got to do a lot of prayer and singing and other things in Jerusalem. But I want people to read my life from my words and actions, not perform or prepare for others. I have been asking tons of questions lately, which come much faster than the answers. introspection can be dangerous, but humans have a large capacity for denial and ignorance. I ask these... as each of us can- ALL having fallen short of perfection. I'm not going to list my questions here, but I hope each of us listens for answers, despite the frequent feeling that some of life's timing must be off, because it seems better when it goes faster.
A lot of worship, and attitude towards my faith for me is pressing in with declaration of what I believe, what I will do, and receiving the clues to what I don't understand in the midst of that. Whether or not someone believes what I do, in this season of boredom the world and its apathy is telling us a plan for the end of the world isn't real, isn't coming.... In this time, God wants us to seek Him. with the economy, and finances, and earthquakes, everything is being shaken and changed continually... everything is being removed that hinders love.

For me, I've realized where the pieces of my heart are which are not surrendered to God. and that matters to me because God is the safest place to trust. When he has all of me, he can bless me fully- 'to endow with a cherished attribute'. I will long for nothing, finished, fulfilled, capable of the impossible. I will and have been broken without God's presence in my life. I now do not understand how people live without it. Habit and self are poor companions. A lot of where I'm at is knowing the what, but not knowing how, and trusting that will be clear.
So I call what is not as though it IS... piecing it together. since I don't have the map of how to do it all, but I know where I'm going.

1 comment:

  1. i know i haven't been in contact much but is aw on your FB status a while back about your blog so i thought i'd come take a look.
    this one really spoke to me, made me think it interesting that i came upon it... just one of those things you stumble upon in life at just the right time. your inqusitive nature and voice to this piece is wonderful. i love the line "habit and self are poor companions"... made me smile in an ironic way.
    i'll try to be more of a regular reader of your blogs. i have a hard enough time keeping up with my own blog (i lose motivation easily) so we'll see how that goes!
    hope all is well with you, J