relearning... and a poem

In a way when this Joy came, it was like I arrived. but also I know there are areas I'm daily growing in. Something I'd hoped for didn't work out today. The really cool thing was that I didn't feel discouraged even a little, like I would have if the same thing happened before. I thought it was sad... but my heart and countenance didn't sink... it was like it couldn't come down to a point of discouragement-- and somehow its been ingrained into me that things that must be waited for are more precious that way. Who hopes for what we already have; but if we hope for what we do not yet have we wait patiently. Even after we grow up there are many ways I find myself detangling myself from things I thought were polite... and the Lord is teaching me to ask, to come with boldness and the confidence of how loved I am, that I won't be denied opportunity of goodness and freedom. that there is always more healing.
I'm also unlearning the lie that "my presence is only worth something if I can offer something of value- words, song, advice." Secular atmospheres tell us to.
But if I come and just listen... if I come just thankful...if I know how loved I am and that is enough.. if I realize I can't change other people but can only change my own atmosphere to dispel any performance, and replace it with Joy and sacrifice of worship... a worship found in waiting and patience. The fruit of sowing in righteousness.

how many dimensions are there
to this tree
let me count the branches
written on them in blood are messages,
mysteries, not analytical
the sacred secular leaves
draw a cube in the sky
the wings of cherubim touch
corners that hold certain promises
bringing a full heart to pour out
and err on the side of extravagance

the only weight I carry is a whisper
of how to stand still
how to purify indecision
the opposite of what logic leads
is that you will come back
and all the streams will flow as one river
in the city of gold