September 25, 2011

Letting go.

"Sickness, disappointment, pain etc are kinds of temporary suffering, and are to give us a deeper awareness of eternity." "The severity of trials is determined by how much strength ones has." - Therese of Lisieux "We have laws in Cambodia but everyone ignores them. The law of money prevails. Corruption is like gangrene at the heart of the cambodian legal system." - from Road to Lost Innocence Well it's been a long time since I've blogged... such a busy season. But I don't even know how to express what is in my heart right now, it is so overwhelmed and jealous and torn. I fear that I am trading contentment in a lot of ways and I don't know how to get back to where I was. There is much from the past that I crave and much for the future that doesn't seem to have any chance of happening. I don't want my best times and battles to be behind me. There is so much I want to step into but just not the right timing, or I am called to participate in ways other than what I prefer. And that might not be a bad thing. It is true that we continue to build our own comfort zones and exclude parts of ourselves and people who we don't want to associate with. Maybe it's about being okay not having any answers, not having any certain hope of what God is doing or changing. Maybe weakness and God's heart being so real and hurting is okay. Maybe it is a deeper level than the pages and pages of theory and much that can be learned in reading or in church. There is still worship and the truth of love to celebrate, but I'm not at a place where I can step into the opposite. But, maybe the best thing is knowing what I've felt is central to God's heart and that matters most.

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